Firefly

"Two by two, hands of blue."
-River, Firefly

"No power in the 'verse can stop me."
-River, Firefly

"That girl is a witch!"
"Yeah, but she's our witch, so cut her the hell down."
-Firefly

"We've done the impossible, and that makes us mighty."
Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly

"We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so...very...pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die."
Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly

"Can't you stop her from being so cheerful?"
"I don't believe there's a power in the 'verse that can stop Kaylee from being cheerful."
-Jayne Canton, Mal Reynolds, Firefly

"Ten percent of nuthin' is...let me do the math here...nuthin' into nuthin'...carry the nuthin'..."
-Jayne, Firefly

Mal: "If anyone gets nosy, just...you know... shoot 'em. "
Zoe: "Shoot 'em?"
Mal: "Politely."
-Firefly

Jayne: "Testing, testing. Captain, can you hear me?"
Mal: "I'm standing right here."
Jayne: "You're coming through good and loud."
Mal: " 'Cause I'm standing right here."
-Firefly
Jayne's an idiot. And a man, incidentally... I believe the two are related.

Mal: "Well they tell you: never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is, on occasion, hilarious."
-Firefly
I agree

Inara: (angry)"What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?"
Mal: "That it was manly and impulsive?"
Inara: "Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was 'don't'."
-Firefly

Mal: "And Kaylee, what the hell's goin' on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?"
-Firefly

Jayne: "Do you know what the chain of command is here? It's the chain I go get and beat you with to show you who's in command."
-Firefly
And all these years I thought that chain was just a figure of speech.

Alliance Commander: "You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?"
Zoe: "Fought with a lot of people in the war."
Alliance Commander: "And your husband?"
Zoe: "Fight with him sometimes, too."
-Firefly
(Zoe is totally deadpan in this scene....)

Wash: (Off an alarm sounding from the console) "Closing in."
Zoe: "Planet's coming up a mite fast."
Wash: "That's just cause I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all."
Mal: "Well, that happens, let me know."
-Firefly

Kaylee: (pointing to a pink frilly dress) "Say, look at the fluffy one!"
Zoe: "Too much foofaraw. If I'm going to wear a dress, I'd want something with some slink."
Wash: "You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?"
Jayne: "I'll chip in."
Zoe: (to Jayne) "I can hurt you."
-Firefly
(Wash is Zoe's husband)

Harrow: "I know him. And I think he's a psychotic lowlife."
Mal: "And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic lowlife community."
-Firefly

Harrow: "You have to finish it, lad. You have to finish it. For a man to lay beaten... and yet breathing? It makes him a coward."
Inara: "It's humiliation."
Mal: "Sure. It would be humiliating. Having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. (lightly stabs Atherton with the sword) Guess I'm just a good man. (stabs him again) Well, I'm all right."
Harrow: "You didn't have to wound the man."
Mal: "Yeah, I know, it was just funny."
-Firefly

Inara: "Are you in pain?"
Mal: "Absolutely. I got stabbed, you know. Right here."
Inara: "I saw."
Mal: "Don't care much for fancy parties. Too rough."
Inara: "It wasn't entirely a disaster."
Mal: "I got stabbed! Right here!"
-Firefly

Mal: "So, she's added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy."
Simon: "It's just a bad day."
Mal: "No, a bad day is when someone's yellin' spooks the cattle. Understand? You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It's kind of like a...a meat grinder. And it'll lose us half the herd."
Simon: "She hasn't gone anywhere near the cattle."
Mal: "No, but in case you hadn't noticed, her voice kinda carries. We're two miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed." (to River) "Although I would take it as a kindness if she didn't."
River: "The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems."
Mal: (to Simon) "See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like."
-Firefly

Jayne: (mock reading Simon's journal) "Dear Diary...today I was pompous and my sister was crazy." (flips page) "Today, we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."
-Firefly

Kaylee: "Well, we're headed for help... right?"
Zoe: "Captain will come up with a plan."
Kaylee: "That's good. Right?"
Zoe: "Possibly you're not recalling some of his previous plans."
-Firefly

Zoe: "You sanguine about the kind of reception we're apt to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap'n?"
Mal: "Absolutely." (beat) "What's 'sanguine' mean?"
Zoe: " 'Sanguine'. Hopeful. Plus -- point of interest -- it also means 'bloody'."
Mal: "Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it?"
-Firefly

Mal: "Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. Whaddya suppose that makes us?"
Zoe: "Big damn heroes, sir."
Mal: "Ain't we just!"
-Firefly

Mal: "Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? Now I'm not saying you weren't easy to find but it was kinda out of our way, and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really, it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting." (to Simon) "Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin' folk is near miraculous."
Simon: "Yes, I'm very proud."
-Firefly

Simon: "So finally...a decent wound on this ship, and I miss out. I'm sorry."
Mal: "Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens."
-firefly

Bandit #1: "And I think maybe you're gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus."
(Husband) Jayne: "Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature."
(Wife) Mal: "How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?"
(Husband) Jayne: "If I could make you purtier, I would."
(Wife) Mal: "You are not the man I met a year ago." (they suddenly draw their guns on the bandits, Mal slowly pulling his bonnet off)
Mal: "Now think real hard. You been bird-dogging this township a while now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet: I will end you."
-Firefly
let's all swear by our floral bonnets, because that just strikes terror into folks. They know you're serious when you swear by the bonnet.

Book: "If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater."
-Firefly

Mal: "I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume I'm an evil, lecherous hump."
Zoe: "No one's saying that, sir."
Wash: "Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly."
-Firefly

Saffron: "You gonna kill me?"
Mal: "Can you conjure up a terribly compelling reason for me not to?"
Saffron: "I didn't kill you."
Mal: "You handed me and my crew over to those that would kill us. That buys you nothing."
Saffron: (smiles) "I made you dinner."
-Firefly
*Sidenote* Saffron is a human Black Widow, practically.

Mal: "You wanna tell me how come there's a statue of you here, looking at me like I owe him something?"
Jayne: "Wishin' I could, Captain."
Mal: "No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me--?"
Jayne: "Look, Mal, I got no ruttin' idea. I was here a few years back, like I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from the magistrate up on the hill. But things went way south. I had to hightail it. They don't...put you on a pedestal in town square for that."
Mal: "Yeah, but I'm looking at some fair compelling evidence says they do."
Simon: (staring at the statue) "This must be what going mad feels like."
Jayne: "Uh, hey, I got a idea. Instead of us hanging around playing art critic 'til I get pinched by the man, how's about we move away from this eerie-@ss piece of work, and get on with our increasingly eerie-@ss day. How's that?"
-Firefly
*sidenote* Jayne is a greedy mercenary

Book: "What are we up to, sweetheart?"
River: "Fixing your Bible."
Book: "I, um...(alarmed)...what?"
River: "Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics - doesn't make sense." (she's marked up the bible, crossed out passages)
Book: "No, no. You - you can't...
River: "So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem."
Book: "Really?"
River: "We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat." (rips out page)
-Firefly
*Sidenote* Book is a preacher, River is a mentally disturbed genius

Zoe: "You paid money for this, sir? On purpose?"
Mal: "What? Come on, seriously, Zoe. Whaddya think?"
Zoe: "Honestly, sir? I think you got robbed."
Mal: "Robbed? What? No. What do you mean?"
Zoe: "It's a piece of fei-oo." [fei-oo. = junk]
Mal: "Fei-oo? Okay, she won't be winning any beauty contests anytime soon. But she's solid. Ship like this, be with ya 'til the day you die."
Zoe: "Cause it's a deathtrap."
-Firefly

Mal: "Looks can be deceiving."
Jayne: "Not as deceiving as a lowdown, dirty... deceiver."
Mal: "Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?"
Zoe: "Had a kind of poetry to it, sir."
-Firefly

Mal: "I mean, let's say you did kill us... or didn't. There could be torture – whatever – but somehow, you found the goods. What would your cut be?"
Jayne: "Seven percent, straight off the top."
Mal: "Seven? Oh."
Jayne: "What?"
Mal: "Hm? Nothing. Not a thing. No, I just... (to Zoe) does that seem low to you?"
Zoe: "It does, sir."
Jayne: "That ain't low."
Head Robber: "Stop it!"
Jayne: "Seven percent, standard."
Mal: (laughs) "Okay. Zoe, I'm paying you too much."
-Firefly
(This is before Jayne joins the crew...)

Wash: "You know, it's all very sweet, stealing from the rich, selling to the poor..."
-Firefly

Mal: "Patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn't bring 'em back-"
Simon: "They were cyanotic and not responsive."
-Firefly

Mal: "Now all we need is a coupla patients."
Simon: "Corpses, actually. For this plan to work, River and I will have to be dead."
Jayne: (smiling) "I'm starting to like this plan."
-Firefly

Mal: "Two lefts, two rights, and we're there. You see anyone, smile."
Zoe: "I don't think anyone smiles in hospitals."
Mal: "Course they do, it's the Core. Everyone's rich and happy here, why wouldn't they smile?"
-Firefly

Pompous Doctor: "Walk with me a minute."
Mal: "Where're we going?" (Zoe sneaks away, around and behind the doctor)
Pompous Doctor: "You see this badge? It says 'doctor'. I say walk, you walk."
Mal: "Yeah but, where're we going?"
Pompous Doctor: "You must be new." (Zoe walks up behind him) "Don't get comfortable, your type never lasts long around here. When your supervisor hears about the rude and disrespect--ARGH!!!" (falls to the ground, unconscious, revealing Zoe standing behind him with defib paddles)
Zoe: (shrugs) "Clear."
-Firefly

River: (cryptically to Jayne) "Your toes are in the sand."
Jayne: "And your head's up your-"
Simon: "Hey! Back off!"
-Firefly
(Simon is River's brother)

River: (cryptically to Jayne) "They took Christmas away."
Jayne: (confused) "What the hell now?"
River: "Came downstairs for the shiny presents...they took the tree, and the stockings...nothing left but coal."
Jayne: (to Simon) "Would you shut her up?"
River: (to Jayne) "Don't look in the closet, either -- it's greedy." (smiles) "It's not in the spirit of the holiday."
Jayne: "You shut the hell up right now or so help me, I'll shut you up."
-Firefly

Book: "Yes, I'd forgotten you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?"
Simon: "No. But I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist."
-Firefly

Mal: "Ah, the pitter patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots." (to Kaylee and River) "Shut up!"
-Firefly

Wash: "And then came the lying to me about it, which for me is sort of the highlight of this little adventure."
Zoe: "Is there any way I'm gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?"
Wash: "You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, lambie-toes."
-Firefly
The words ritual suicide and lambie-toes in the same sentence.....

Wash: "Didn't want you taking off without me. In fact, didn't want you taking off at all. Thought I might take this run instead. Me and the Captain."
Mal: "The Captain who's standing right here telling you that's not gonna happen?"
Wash: "Well, it's a dangerous mission, sir. I can't stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure. I just can't take that right now."
Mal: "Okay, um, I'm lost. Uh, I'm angry, and I'm armed, so if you two have something that you need to work out --"
-Firefly

Wash: "I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's happening, then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting and possibly scheming. So whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back with the stories. So... I'm Zoe. Now, what do I do?"
Mal: "Probably not talk quite so much."
Wash: "Right. Less talking. She's terse. I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic."
-Firefly

Wash: "I mean, I'm the one she swore to love, honor and obey."
Mal: "Listen..." (beat) "She swore to obey?"
Wash: "Well, no, not... But that's just my point! You she obeys! She obeys you! There's obeying going on right under my nose!"
-Firefly

Zoe: "Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?
Book: "Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps."
-Firefly

Inara: "Right. You're a criminal mastermind. What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?"
Mal: "We made a perfectly good piece-"
Inara: "What was the cargo?"
Mal: "They were dolls."
Inara: "They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!"
-Firefly

Mal: "Petty?"
Inara: "I didn't mean petty."
Mal: "What did you mean?"
Inara: "Suo-shee?"
Mal: "That's Chinese for petty."
-Firefly

River: (looking at Jayne) "She's a liar."
Jayne: "That don't exactly set her apart from the rest of us. And the plunder sounds fun enough."
River: "She's a liar and no good will come of her."
Jayne: "Well, I say as a rule that girlfolk ain't to be trusted."
River: "Jayne is a girl's name."
Jayne: "She starts on that 'girl's name' thing, I'm gonna show her good an' all I got man parts."
Simon: "I'm trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. It's just not coming."
-Firefly

River: "Also? I can kill you with my brain."
-Firefly

Mal: "I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta move."
-Firefly

Zoe: "Scared her away again, did you?"
Simon: "This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at talking to girls."
Zoe: "Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?"
-Firefly

Jayne: (wearing ugly homemade hat) "How's it sit? Pretty cunning,
don'tchya think?"
Kaylee: "I think it's the sweetest hat ever."
Book: "Makes a statement."
Jayne: "Yeah, yeah!"
Wash: "A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything."
Jayne: "damn straight."
-Firefly

Tracey:"When you can't run anymore, You walk, when you can't walk anymore you crawl, and when you can't crawl anymore-"
Zoe:"You get someone to carry you."
-Firefly

Kaylee: "Everybody's got somebody..." (wistfully) "Wash, tell me I'm pretty..."
Wash: "Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion."
Kaylee: " 'Cause I'm pretty?"
Wash: " 'Cause you're pretty."
Kaylee: "Thank you. That was very restorative."
-Firefly


Mal: "Inara, think you could stoop to being on my arm?"
Inara: "Will you wash it first?"
-Firefly

Wash: "Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next?"
Zoe: "Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up."
Wash: "I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot, and we don't all die from it."
-Firefly

Mal: "But she does have an oddness to her. And I ain't just talking about her proficiency with firearms. Girl knows things. Things she shouldn't. Things she couldn't."
Jayne: "Wha-...are you-are you sayin' she's a witch?"
Wash: (sarcastically) "Yes, Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with the beast."
Jayne: "She's in Congress?"
Wash: (amazed) "How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so curious."
-Firefly

Wash: "Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction."
Zoe: "We live in a space ship, dear."
-Firefly

Wash: "Yeah well, if she doesn't give us some extra flow from the engine room to offset the burn through, this landing is gonna get pretty interesting."
Mal: "Define interesting."
Wash: "Oh god oh god we're all gonna die?"
Mal: "This is the captain. We have a...little problem with our engine sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then...explode."
-Serenity (Firefly, the movie)

Mal: "Yeah well, just get us on the ground."
Wash: "That part will happen pretty definitely."
-Serenity

Jayne: "We're gonna explode? I don't wanna explode."
Mal: "Jayne, how many weapons you plannin' on takin'? You only got the two arms."
Jayne: "Well I just excitable as to choice, like to have my options open."
Mal: "I don't plan on any shooting taking place during this job."
Jayne: "Yeah well, what you plan and what takes place ain't ever exactly been similar."
-Serenity

Mal: "Doctor, I'm taking your sister under my protection here. If anything happens to her, anything at all, I swear to you, I will get very choked up. Honestly, there could be tears."
-Serenity

Mal: "Y'all want to be lookin' very intently at your own bellybuttons. See a head start to rise, violence is going to ensue. Probably guessed we mean to be thievin' here but what we're after's not yours, so...let not have no undue fuss."
-Serenity

Zoe: (sliding gun barrel alongside security guard's face) "You know what the definition of a hero is? Someone who gets other people killed. You can look it up later."
-Serenity

Zoe: (on mostly empty safe) "At last. We can retire and give up this life of crime."
-Serenity

Mal: (to unseen guard in vault below) "Listen up! We're comin' down to empty that vault."
Guard: "You have to give me your authorization password." (Jayne points gun down the the stairwell and fires several rounds) "Okay."
-Serenity

Mal: (negotiating with guard where to shoot him) "The leg is good. It'll bleed plenty and we avoid any necessary organs."
Guard: "I was thinking more of a graze?"
Mal: "Well you don't want to look like you just gave up."
-Serenity

Jayne: "You shoot me if they take me!" (sees Mal's gun pointed at his leg) "Well don't shoot me first!"
-Serenity, on reavers.

Jayne: "I'll kill a man in a fair fight. Or if I think he's gonna start a fair fight. Or if he bothers me. Or if there's a woman. Or if I'm gettin' paid. Mostly when I'm gettin' paid."
-Serenity

Wash: "Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a ninety-pound girl, 'cause I don't think that's ever gettin' old."
-Serenity

Simon: "It's a phrase, that makes her fall asleep. If I speak the words 'eta chora-"
Jayne: (jumps out of his chair) "Don't say it!"
Zoe: "It only works on her, Jayne."
Jayne: "Well now I know that."
-Serenity

Wash: "Inara...nice to see her again."
Zoe: (beat) "So...trap?"
Mal: "Trap."
Zoe: "We goin' in?"
Mal: "Ain't but a few hours out."
Wash: (confused) "Yeah, but...remember the part where it's a trap?"
Mal: "If that's the case then Inara's already caught in it. She wouldn't set us up willin'. Might be we get a shot at seein' who's turnin' these wheels. We go in."
Kaylee: "But how can you be sure Inara don't just wanna see you? Sometimes people have feelings. I'm referring here to people."
Mal: "Y'all were watchin', I take it?"
Kaylee: (everyone looks guilty) "Yes."
Mal: "Did you see us fight?"
Kaylee: "No."
Mal: "Trap."
-Serenity

Mal: "Zoe, ship is yours. Remember: if anything happens to me, if you don't hear from me within the hour, you take the ship -- and you come and you rescue me."
Zoe: "What? Risk my ship?"
-Serenity

Mal: (kneeling at altar, in disguise) "Dear Buddha: please bring me a pony, and a plastic rocket-"
Inara: "Mal, what are you doing here?!"
Mal: "Well, you invited me."
Inara: "I never thought for a second you'd be stupid enough to come!"
Mal: "Well that makes you kind of a tease, doesn't it?"
-Serenity

Mal: "I never credited the Alliance with an overabundance of brains, and if you're the best they've got-"
Operative: "Captain Reynolds, I should tell you, so that you don't waste your time: you can't make me angry."
Inara: "Please. Spend an hour with him."
-Serenity

Jayne: "Oh yeah, hidin' up the Shepherd's skirts, that's a manful scheme."
Mal: "You wanna run this ship?!"
Jayne: "Yes!"
Mal: "Well y-...you can't!"
-Serenity

Jayne: "She is starting to damage my calm."
-Serenity

Mal: "So no more runnin'. I aim to misbehave."
-Serenity

Wash: "I'm a leaf on the wind...watch how I soar."
Mal: (watching battle around them in grim satisfaction) "Chickens come home to roost."
Wash: (flying debris glances off ship's hull, rattling everyone) "It's okay...I-I'm a leaf on the wind."
-Serenity

Operative: "Do you really believe that?"
Mal: "I do."
Operative: "You willing to die for that belief?"
Mal: "I am." (pulls out his gun and shoots at the Operative repeatedly) "Course, that ain't exactly Plan A."
-Serenity

Simon: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can. How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don't know me, son, so let me explain this to you once. If I ever kill you you'll be awake. You'll be facing me. And you'll be armed.
Simon: Are you always this sentimental?
Mal: I had a good day.
-Serenity

Zoë: Sir, is there some information we might maybe be lacking as to why there's an entire Fed squad sitting on this train?
Mal: Doesn't concern us.
Zoë: It kinda concerns me.
. . .
Zoë: You don't think that changes the situation a bit?
Mal: I surely do. Makes it more fun!
Zoë: Sir? I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.
-Firefly

Jayne: You can't change that… by gettin' all… bendy.
Wash: All what?
[Jayne's expression softens; his breathing becomes labored.]
Jayne: [You] got the… the light… from the console… keep you… lift you up. They shine like…
[He looks up and starts snatching invisible things from the air.]
Jayne: … little… angels…
[He falls over hard, unconscious.]
Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon: I told him to sit down.
-Firefly

[After returning the medicine, Zoë brings a bound Niska henchman before Mal outside the ship.]
Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You bring it back to him, tell him the job didn't work out.
[Henchman Crow spits.]
Mal: We're not thieves. [pauses] Well, we are thieves. Point is, we're not takin' what's his. Now, we'll stay out of his way as best we can from here on in. You explain that that's best for everyone, okay?
[Crow defiantly stands with his arms bound behind him.]
Crow: Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go, or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.
[There is a short pause.]
Mal: Darn.
[Mal kicks Crow toward the engine; Crow is sucked into the intake. Cut to Zoë bringing a second bound henchman before Mal.]
Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance…
Henchman: [quickly] Oh, I get it. I'm good. Best thing for everyone. I'm right there with you.
-firefly
More than one hostage= you are expendable

Wash: Don't fall asleep now. Sleepiness is weakness of character, ask anyone.
Zoë: It is not!
Wash: You're acting Captain. You know what happens, you fall asleep?
Zoë: Jayne slits my throat and takes over.
Wash: That's right
Zoë: And we can't stop it.
Wash: I wash my hands of it. Hopeless case. I'll read a nice poem at the funeral. Something with imagery.
Zoë: You could lock the door. Keep the power-hungry maniac at bay.
Wash: Don't know. I'm starting to like this poetry thing. "Here lies my beloved Zoë, my autumn flower… somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpsified and gross…"
-Firefly

River: They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky, and they remember what they are.
Mal: Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me?
-Firefly

Simon: Captain, why did you come back for us?
Mal: You're on my crew.
Simon: Yeah, but you don't even like me. Why'd you come back?
Mal: You're on my crew. Why we still talking about this?
-Firefly

Mal: Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back!
-Firefly

Wash: Wuh duh ma huh ta duh fung-kwong duh wai-shung doh… I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not… married, not… madly in love with a beautiful woman who… can… kill me with her pinkie!
-Firefly

Book: River, you don't… fix the Bible.
River: It's broken. It doesn't make sense.
Book: It's not about… making sense. It's about believing in something. And letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you.
-Firefly

Mudder (singing): He robbed from the rich and he gave to the poor / Stood up to the man and he gave him what-for / Our love for him now ain't hard to explain / The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne!
Wash: We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm the hero!
-Firefly

[Simon and Kaylee, both drunk, chat during the town's toasting of its hero, Jayne.]
Simon: I— I reattached a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town.
Kaylee: Hamsters is nice.
Simon: To Jayne! The box-dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.
-Firefly

Mal: I'm gettin' a little weary of this attitude, Wash.
Wash: [chuckling] Are you? Well, I'm so very sorry, sir. I guess the news that we're all gonna be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me a little snippy.
. . .
Wash: What do you expect me to do, Mal?
Mal: Whatever you have to! And if you can't do it from here, then get a suit on and go outside on the side of the boat—
Wash: And what?! Wave my arms around?
Mal: Wave your arms around, jump up and down, divert the navsats to the transmitter… whatever.
Wash: Divert the— Right! Because teenage pranks are fun when you're about to die!
Mal: It'd give the beacon a boost, wouldn't it?
Wash: Yes! It would boost the signal. But even if some passerby did happen to receive, all it would do is muck up their navigation!
Mal: Could be that's true.
Wash: damn right it's true! They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go anyplace.
[Mal stares at Wash. Wash stares back, realization dawning.]
Wash: Well, maybe I should do that then!
-Firefly

[Jayne hocks some spit to help sharpen his knife.]
Simon: Could you not do that while we're… ever?
Wash: So, two days in a hospital? That's awful! Don't you just hate doctors?
Simon: Hey!
[Unobserved by anyone, River pulls a huge carving knife out of the kitchen rack.]
Wash: I mean, present company excluded.
Jayne: Let's not be excludin' people. [grins] That'd be rude.
[Suddenly, River slashes Jayne in the chest.]
River: He looks better in red.
-Firefly

[The faux EMTs wheel in their body containers, ready to do their spiel to get them to the morgue.]
Emergency Nurse: What do you got?
Mal: Got a couple DOAs. By the time we got there—
Emergency Nurse: Take them down to the morgue.
[Mal looks at his stunned team. Zoë begins to wheel her container in, but Jayne just stands there.]
Jayne: We applied the cortical electrodes, but we were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient!
-Firefly(do i even have to type that anymore?)

Mal: Just once, I'd like things to go according to the gorram plan!

Jayne: What're you gonna tell the others?
Mal: About what?
Jayne: 'Bout why I'm dead.
Mal: I hadn't thought about it.
Jayne: Make something up. Don't tell 'em what I did.
[Mal relents and closes the door.]
Mal: The next time you decide to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face.

[Book quotes warrior-poet and "psychotic dictator" Shan Yu to Simon.]
Book: He said, "Live with a man forty years. Share his house, his meals… speak on every subject… then tie him up, and hold him over the volcano's edge, and on that day, you will finally meet the man."
Simon: What if you don't live by a volcano?
Book: I suspect he was being poetical.

Book: A government is a body of people usually notably ungoverned.
Simon: Now you're quoting the Captain

Mal: One of you is gonna fall and die and I ain't cleaning it up!
This is how i felt the few times i babysat.....

River: Going. Going back, like… apple bits coming back up. Chaos.
Simon: But you felt okay this morning?
River: [smiles] Played with Kaylee. The sun came out, and… I walked on my feet, and… heard with my ears. [more raggedly] I ate the bits. The bits did stay down. And I work. I… function like I'm a girl. [sobbing] I hate it because I know it'll go away. The sun… goes dark, and chaos is come again. Bits… fluids! What am I?!
Simon: You are my beautiful sister.
River: I- I threw up on your bed.
Simon: Yep. Definitely my sister.

[Niska chats with Mal as his torturer continues the work.]
Niska: Do you know the writings of, eh, Shan Yu?
Mal: You starting a book club? What, are you trying to torture… [grunts]… trying to torture me?

Niska: You died, Mr. Reynolds.
Mal: Seemed like the thing to do.
Niska: I don't like it when you die, Mr. Reynolds. When you die, it means that I can't hurt you anymore.

Zoë: Okay, people. If it moves, shoot it.
Kaylee: Unless it's the Captain!
Zoë: Unless it's the Captain.

Mal: Haven't you killed me enough for one day?

Mal: I hear y'all took up arms in that little piece o' action back there. How're you faring with that, Doctor?
Simon: I don't know. I, uh… eh, I never… never shot anyone before.
Book: I was there, son. I'm fair sure you haven't shot anyone yet.

Mal: Saffron has a notion we can walk right in there, take the Lassiter right off his shelf.
Wash: I'm confused.
Saffron: You're asking yourself if I've got the security codes, why don't I go in, grab it for myself?
Wash: No. Actually, I was wondering… WHAT'S SHE DOING ON THIS SHIP?
[Kaylee laughs.]
Wash: Didn't she try to kill us?!
Saffron: [with a Cheshire smile] Please! Nobody died last time.
Wash: We're in space! How'd she get here?
Mal: She hitched.
Wash: I don't recall pulling over!

Mal: Zoe? You ain't said a word. Time to weigh in.
Zoë: Take sounds ripe enough, assuming we can fence it.
Saffron: I know a guy on Persephone. Already has half dozen buyers on the bid.
Zoë: But Inara ain't wrong.
[She stands to face Saffron.]
Zoë: She can't be trusted.
Mal: I ain't asking you to trust her. I'll be with her on the inside the whole time.
Saffron: See there? All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is… get over it.
Zoë: Hmm. Okay.
[Zoë belts Saffron, who falls to the floor.]
Zoë: I'm in.

Simon:"I do so swear, when it's appropriate."
Kaylee:"The whole point of swearing is that it ain’t appropriate!"
Firefly

"Yes, this is a fertile land we have come to, we shall rule over all this land and we shall call it....This Land."
"I think we should call it your grave!"
"AH! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"
"Ah-hahahah! Mine is an evil laugh! Now die!"
"Oh dear god in heaven!"
-Wash, as Stegosaurus and T-Rex in Firefly

"hell, I'd do this without pay!"
"Can I have your share?"
"No."
"If you die can I have your share?"
"Yes."
- Mal and Zoe, The Train Job, Firefly

"God save us from half the people who think they're doing his work."
-Dean Winchester, Supernatural "Faith"

"He is a little malnourished, you can see his ribs."
"Only 11 of them."
"You have 12."
-family conversation

"In the infantry, they teach you to find cover and concealment, and cover is better. Concealment means they can't see you, but you might be behind a bush, and that lead goes straight through bushes. You want to be behind a rock!"

Church board drive by posts

"Doorbuster special- Salvation free"

"A free thinker is Satan's slave"

"You give God the credit, now give God the cash."

"Prayer. The best Wireless connection."

"If evolution were true, Mothers would have 3 arms."

"Cars are not the only thing recalled by their maker."

"Satan, the fat lady is about to sing"

"Jesus will keep you cool and out of the heat!"

"Life is God's gift to us, what we do with it is our gift to God."

"God is working, don't slap his hand away!"

"Read the Bible, scare the hell out of yourself."

"Swallowing pride will never give you indigestion."

"Those who walk with God always reach their destination."

"Try God if you don't like him the devil will take you back."

"Increase your face value- smile!"

"How will you spend your eternity- smoking or non-smoking?"

"Come in and let us prepare you for your finals."

"Don't let worries kill you, let the church help."

"Does life stink? We have a pew for you!"

"Many who seek God at the eleventh hour die at 10:30"

You're my friend! Do you even know what that word MEANS?! It means that - that if you're hungry, I steal food for you! If you bleed, I throw you the med kit and go thrash whoever hurt you! If someone's after you, I've got your back!
-bred for destiny by raberba girl, ff.net

"You're probably going to die of terminal niceness."
-Myself, to FB