The teacher was doing a statistics problem which involved everyone listing the number of dogs/cats that they have ever owned.
Girl: "None."
Teacher: "Nine!" *gives surprised look"
Girl: "No, none."
Teacher: "None?!"
Girl: "Yeah..."
Teacher: "You mean you've NEVER owned a dog or cat before?"
Girl: *nods head*
Random Guy behind me: "You can take me home and feed me. My meal plan's about to run out."
OMG!!!! O_o
Teacher: "You?"
Guy: "47."
Teacher: "No, come on now."
Guy's friend: "He counts all his rolly-pollys."
LMAO!!!!! XD
Monday, January 25, 2010
Rules of Texas
"Rules of Texas:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we
WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!! Oh, yeah....We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat...IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio....and real chili never met a tomato!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --
it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Texas Tech, Texas State, Texas A&M or University of Texas. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas," If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said:
"Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States
can't make it without Texas!"
Texas is the greatest state ever!! If you are from Texas you are one bad hombre!!!"
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we
WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!! Oh, yeah....We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat...IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio....and real chili never met a tomato!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --
it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Texas Tech, Texas State, Texas A&M or University of Texas. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas," If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said:
"Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States
can't make it without Texas!"
Texas is the greatest state ever!! If you are from Texas you are one bad hombre!!!"
Sunday, January 24, 2010
from the pulpit...
"We're off to a rotten start- let's keep going."
"Honk if you love Jesus. Text if you want to meet him."
"Boxages."
"Honk if you love Jesus. Text if you want to meet him."
"Boxages."
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Constantine
Angela Dodson: You tried to kill yourself.
John Constantine: I didn't *try* anything.
-Constantine
Dr. Leslie Archer: John, you really need to prepare... make arrangements.
John Constantine: No need. I already know exactly where I'm going.
-Constantine
John Constantine: Detective, what if I told you that God and the devil made a wager, a kind of standing bet for the souls of all mankind?
Angela Dodson: I'd tell you to stay on your meds.
John Constantine: Humor me. No direct contact with humans. That would be the rule. Just influence. See who would win.
-Constantine
Chas Chandler: John, why would you do that if you know it's not my car?
John Constantine: I told you to move it.
Chas Chandler: Right, John, you did tell me to move it, but if you would have told me there was a three hundred pound mirror you were dropping with a pissed-off demon, I would have moved it further, John!
-Constantine
Chas Chandler: How much longer do I have to be your slave, John?
John Constantine: You're not my slave, Chas, you're my very appreciated apprentice, like Tonto, or Robin, or that skinny fellow with the fat friend.
-Constantine
Midnite: Tell me this isn't about the girl?
John Constantine: Definitely, mostly not about the girl.
-Constantine
Beeman: [his last lines] I know you've never had much faith, you've never had much reason to. But, that doesn't mean that we don't have faith... in you.
-Constantine
John Constantine: How's the family?
Satan: Family's doing just fine. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Need a vacation.
-Constantine
Gabriel: Son of perdition. Little horn! Most unclean!
Satan: [nostalgic] I do miss the old names.
-Constantine
Satan: [his last lines] No. You will live, John Constantine. You will live so you will have the chance to prove that your soul truly belongs in hell. Oh, you will live. You will live.
-Constantine
Satan: Yeah, what do you want? An extension?
-Constantine
Angela Dodson: Well, I thought that with your background, you could at least point me in the right direction?
John Constantine: Yeah, okay. Sure.
[points to the door]
-Constantine
John Constantine: [voiceover] I guess there's a plan for all of us. I had to die - twice - just to figure that out. Like the book says, He works His work in mysterious ways. Some people like it. Some people don't.
-Constantine
John Constantine: Angels and Demons can't cross over onto our plane. So, instead we get what I call half-breeds. The influence peddlers. They can only whisper in our ears. But a single word can give you courage, or turn your favorite pleasure into your worst nightmare. Those with the demon's touch like those part angel, living alongside us. They call it the balance. I call it hypocritical bs.
-Constantine
John Constantine: So when a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry butt straight back to hell. I don't get them all, but I've been hoping to get enough to ensure my... retirement.
Angela Dodson: I don't understand.
John Constantine: I'm a suicide, Angela. When I die, the rules say I've got just one place to go...
Angela Dodson: You're trying to buy your way into heaven.
John Constantine: What would *you* do if you were sentenced to a prison where half the inmates were put there by you?
-Constantine
Satan: Hello, John. John, hello. You're the one soul I would come up here to collect myself.
[claps giddily]
John Constantine: So I've heard.
-Constantine
John Constantine: They have the Spear of Destiny.
Satan: [mocking him] "They have the Spear of Destiny!"
[becomes serious, leans in]
Satan: Or is it another one of your cons?
John Constantine: Go look for yourself.
[Satan hesitates]
John Constantine: You've waited twenty years for me, Lu. What's another twenty seconds?
-Constantine
Satan: Sonny, I've got a whole theme park full of red delights for you.
John Constantine: Aren't you a peach?
-Constantine
John Constantine: You mind?
[reaches for cigarettes]
Satan: Oh, go - go right ahead; I've got stock.
John Constantine: [chuckles] Coffin nail.
Satan: Very fitting, John.
-Constantine
Angela Dodson: [Angela breathes in and goes under; after being held under for too long, she emerges from the bathtub] Oh, God. Oh, God, all those people. Oh, Isabel. I've always known. I've always known where they are. I've always known where to - where to find them, where to - where to aim and where to duck, and I've always known where they were. I've always known that it wasn't luck. Always known that it wasn't luck. I've always known, I've always known that I could see.
-Constantine
John Constantine: [speaking to God] I know I'm not one of your favorites. I'm not even welcome in your house. But, I could use a little attention.
-Constantine
John Constantine: That's called pain. Get used to it.
-constantine
Angela Dodson: She was a patient at Ravenscar. She... jumped off the roof.
John Constantine: Thought you said she was murdered?
Angela Dodson: Yeah, well, Isabel wouldn't have taken her own life.
John Constantine: Yeah, what kind of mental patient kills herself? That's just crazy.
-Constantine
Balthazar: What are you doing?
John Constantine: I'm reading you your last rites.
Balthazar: Spare me your remedial incantations.
John Constantine: You do know what it is to truly be forgiven? To be welcomed into the Kingdom of God. Demon in heaven.
[anoints Balthazar's brow with holy water]
John Constantine: I'd love to be a fly on that wall.
-Constantine
John Constantine: [about God] He always had a rotten sense of humor. And His punchlines are killers.
-Constantine
[preparing to use the electric chair]
Midnite: How many years since you've surfed?
John Constantine: Like riding a bike.
Midnite: No, not really.
-Constantine
John Constantine: Close your eyes.
Angela Dodson: Why?
John Constantine: Suit yourself.
[He ignites a fire, revealing a swarm of winged demons around them. They rear back from the fire, and burn up]
John Constantine: Demons stay in hell, huh? Tell them that.
-Constantine
Angela Dodson: John, there is no seventeenth act in Corinthians.
John Constantine: Corinthians goes to twenty one acts in the Bible in Hell.
Angela Dodson: They have bibles in Hell?
-Constantine
Gabriel: Your ego is astounding.
John Constantine: Gabriel. Figures. "And the wicked shall inherit the Earth".
Gabriel: You judging me now, John?
John Constantine: Betrayal, murder, genocide, call me provincial.
-Constantine
John Constantine: I didn't *try* anything.
-Constantine
Dr. Leslie Archer: John, you really need to prepare... make arrangements.
John Constantine: No need. I already know exactly where I'm going.
-Constantine
John Constantine: Detective, what if I told you that God and the devil made a wager, a kind of standing bet for the souls of all mankind?
Angela Dodson: I'd tell you to stay on your meds.
John Constantine: Humor me. No direct contact with humans. That would be the rule. Just influence. See who would win.
-Constantine
Chas Chandler: John, why would you do that if you know it's not my car?
John Constantine: I told you to move it.
Chas Chandler: Right, John, you did tell me to move it, but if you would have told me there was a three hundred pound mirror you were dropping with a pissed-off demon, I would have moved it further, John!
-Constantine
Chas Chandler: How much longer do I have to be your slave, John?
John Constantine: You're not my slave, Chas, you're my very appreciated apprentice, like Tonto, or Robin, or that skinny fellow with the fat friend.
-Constantine
Midnite: Tell me this isn't about the girl?
John Constantine: Definitely, mostly not about the girl.
-Constantine
Beeman: [his last lines] I know you've never had much faith, you've never had much reason to. But, that doesn't mean that we don't have faith... in you.
-Constantine
John Constantine: How's the family?
Satan: Family's doing just fine. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Need a vacation.
-Constantine
Gabriel: Son of perdition. Little horn! Most unclean!
Satan: [nostalgic] I do miss the old names.
-Constantine
Satan: [his last lines] No. You will live, John Constantine. You will live so you will have the chance to prove that your soul truly belongs in hell. Oh, you will live. You will live.
-Constantine
Satan: Yeah, what do you want? An extension?
-Constantine
Angela Dodson: Well, I thought that with your background, you could at least point me in the right direction?
John Constantine: Yeah, okay. Sure.
[points to the door]
-Constantine
John Constantine: [voiceover] I guess there's a plan for all of us. I had to die - twice - just to figure that out. Like the book says, He works His work in mysterious ways. Some people like it. Some people don't.
-Constantine
John Constantine: Angels and Demons can't cross over onto our plane. So, instead we get what I call half-breeds. The influence peddlers. They can only whisper in our ears. But a single word can give you courage, or turn your favorite pleasure into your worst nightmare. Those with the demon's touch like those part angel, living alongside us. They call it the balance. I call it hypocritical bs.
-Constantine
John Constantine: So when a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry butt straight back to hell. I don't get them all, but I've been hoping to get enough to ensure my... retirement.
Angela Dodson: I don't understand.
John Constantine: I'm a suicide, Angela. When I die, the rules say I've got just one place to go...
Angela Dodson: You're trying to buy your way into heaven.
John Constantine: What would *you* do if you were sentenced to a prison where half the inmates were put there by you?
-Constantine
Satan: Hello, John. John, hello. You're the one soul I would come up here to collect myself.
[claps giddily]
John Constantine: So I've heard.
-Constantine
John Constantine: They have the Spear of Destiny.
Satan: [mocking him] "They have the Spear of Destiny!"
[becomes serious, leans in]
Satan: Or is it another one of your cons?
John Constantine: Go look for yourself.
[Satan hesitates]
John Constantine: You've waited twenty years for me, Lu. What's another twenty seconds?
-Constantine
Satan: Sonny, I've got a whole theme park full of red delights for you.
John Constantine: Aren't you a peach?
-Constantine
John Constantine: You mind?
[reaches for cigarettes]
Satan: Oh, go - go right ahead; I've got stock.
John Constantine: [chuckles] Coffin nail.
Satan: Very fitting, John.
-Constantine
Angela Dodson: [Angela breathes in and goes under; after being held under for too long, she emerges from the bathtub] Oh, God. Oh, God, all those people. Oh, Isabel. I've always known. I've always known where they are. I've always known where to - where to find them, where to - where to aim and where to duck, and I've always known where they were. I've always known that it wasn't luck. Always known that it wasn't luck. I've always known, I've always known that I could see.
-Constantine
John Constantine: [speaking to God] I know I'm not one of your favorites. I'm not even welcome in your house. But, I could use a little attention.
-Constantine
John Constantine: That's called pain. Get used to it.
-constantine
Angela Dodson: She was a patient at Ravenscar. She... jumped off the roof.
John Constantine: Thought you said she was murdered?
Angela Dodson: Yeah, well, Isabel wouldn't have taken her own life.
John Constantine: Yeah, what kind of mental patient kills herself? That's just crazy.
-Constantine
Balthazar: What are you doing?
John Constantine: I'm reading you your last rites.
Balthazar: Spare me your remedial incantations.
John Constantine: You do know what it is to truly be forgiven? To be welcomed into the Kingdom of God. Demon in heaven.
[anoints Balthazar's brow with holy water]
John Constantine: I'd love to be a fly on that wall.
-Constantine
John Constantine: [about God] He always had a rotten sense of humor. And His punchlines are killers.
-Constantine
[preparing to use the electric chair]
Midnite: How many years since you've surfed?
John Constantine: Like riding a bike.
Midnite: No, not really.
-Constantine
John Constantine: Close your eyes.
Angela Dodson: Why?
John Constantine: Suit yourself.
[He ignites a fire, revealing a swarm of winged demons around them. They rear back from the fire, and burn up]
John Constantine: Demons stay in hell, huh? Tell them that.
-Constantine
Angela Dodson: John, there is no seventeenth act in Corinthians.
John Constantine: Corinthians goes to twenty one acts in the Bible in Hell.
Angela Dodson: They have bibles in Hell?
-Constantine
Gabriel: Your ego is astounding.
John Constantine: Gabriel. Figures. "And the wicked shall inherit the Earth".
Gabriel: You judging me now, John?
John Constantine: Betrayal, murder, genocide, call me provincial.
-Constantine
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Robin Hood
Featuring Men in Tights and Prince of Thieves
"You Speak Treason!"
"Fluently."
-The Adventures of Robin Hood
Little John: Let me introduce you to my best friend: Will Scarlet.
Scarlet: Scarlet's my middle name. My full name is Will Scarlet O'Hara.
[pause]
Scarlet: We're from Georgia.
-Robin Hood MIT
Sheriff of Rottingham: King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!
Robin Hood, Maid Marian: What?
Sheriff of Rottingham: I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?
Robin Hood: Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?
[crowd gasps]
Prince John: Careful Robin, you go too far.
-RHMIT
Robin Hood: Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you come and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council, and perhaps... some of your wine?
[Merry Men snicker]
Rabbi Tuckman: Wisdom and council, that's easy. But this is sacrimental wine! It's only used to bless things.
Merry Men: Awwwww...
Rabbi Tuckman: [pauses] Wait a minute! There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on, we'll bless them all until we get vashnigyered
[drunk]
Rabbi Tuckman: Join me!
Robin Hood: Let's hear it for the Rabbi!
-RHMIT
Prince John: Save me, save me! Hurt them, hurt them!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Right! Save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you! I've got it!
-RHMIT
Sheriff of Rottingham: Over that boy hand!
[pauses, looking confused]
Sheriff of Rottingham: Hand over that boy!
Ahchoo: Let's get out of this ladies clothing and get into our tights!
-RHMIT
Maid Marian: Wait!
Sheriff of Rottingham: What for?
Maid Marian: If you promise not to kill Robin, I shall do the most disgusting thing that I can think of.
Prince John: Oooohhh.
Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh? And what's that?
Maid Marian: I shall marry you.
Sheriff of Rottingham: What? You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night? And sometimes, right after lunch?
Maid Marian: Yes, but only my body. You can never have my heart, my mind, or my soul!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh, oh yes! I respect that.
Little John: Let's face it. You've gotta be a man to wear tights!
Robin Hood: Are you with me? Yea or Nay?
Villager: Well which one means yes?
Robin Hood: Yea.
Robin Hood: By the by, do you know praying mantis?
Ahchoo: You're looking at him.
Ahchoo: What part of Georgia you from? South Central?
Angry Villagers: LEAVE US ALONE, MEL BROOKS!
[Robin tries to jump on his horse and falls]
Ahchoo: Man, white men can't jump.
[Robin and Ahchoo are fighting royal soldiers]
Ahchoo: Time out! Sorry bad guys, but I am running out of air. Gotta get pumped.
[Ahchoo pumps his sneakers]
Ahchoo: OK honkies. Time in!
Prince John: Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
Latrine: We changed it in the 9th century.
Prince John: You mean you changed it TO "Latrine"?
Latrine: Yeah. Used to be "shithouse."
Prince John: It's a good change. That's a good change!
-Robin Hood MIT
Man in church: Hey Abbot!
Abbot: I hate that guy!
-Robing Hood MIT
Prince John: And why should the people listen to you?
Robin Hood: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.
-Robin Hood MIT
Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!
Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.
Robin Hood: He's dead?
Blinkin: Yes.
Robin Hood: And my mother?
Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while... oh, you were away...
Robin Hood: My brothers?
Blinkin: There were all killed by the plague.
Robin Hood: My dog, Pogo?
Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.
Robin Hood: My goldfish, Goldie?
Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.
Robin Hood: [on the verge of tears] My cat?
Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.
[pause]
Blinkin: Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?
-Robin Hood MIT
Prince John: Tell everyone that when the day is out we shall have a wedding. Or a hanging. Either way, we're gonna have a lot of fun, huh?
-RH-MIT
Robin Hood: And who might you be?
Little John: Oh, they call me Little John. But don't let my name fool you. In real life, I'm very big.
Robin Hood: I'll take your word for it.
-RHMIT
Robin Hood: Kindly let me pass.
Little John: Uh, no. Sorry, but a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls.
[Proudly]
Little John: I made that up.
Robin Hood: It's very fascinating. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you.
-RHMIT
Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, this wasn't a very smart thing to do, Locksley. I'll pay for this!
[pause]
Sheriff of Rottingham: YOU'LL pay for this!
-RHMIT
Robin Hood: Rabbi!
Rabbi Tuckman: [sticks his head out of his tent] Who calls?
Robin Hood: It is I, Robin of Locksley! We wish to get married in a hurry!
Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry? That's great! Hold on, I'm on my last customer. I'll be right out.
[goes back inside his tent, then something being chopped off is heard, followed by a man screaming. The rabbi comes back out]
Rabbi Tuckman: Put a little ice on it. You'll be fine.
[to Robin]
Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry, married in a hurry! Please invite me to the briss.
Maid Marian: Broomhilde, there's a foul plot afoot.
Broomhilde: It's not my feet, I just washed them.
Ahchoo: We didn't land on Sherwood Forest! Sherwood Forest landed on us!
Robin Hood: This is Ahchoo.
Little John: Bless you!
Ahchoo: [laughs] No, that's my name, man. Ahchoo.
Robin Hood: Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Ahchoo.
Blinkin: A Jew? Here?
Robin Hood: No no, not a Jew. Ahchoo.
[Broomhilde prepares to jump on horse from the balcony]
Horse: [makes loud noise and shakes head]
subtitle: She's got to be kidding!
after falling from a tree]
Blinkin: I can see!
[runs right into another tree]
Blinkin: Nope, I was wrong.
Sheriff of Rottingham: This is a stealth catapult, we've been working on it secretly for months. It can hurl one of these heavy boulders undetected, over a hundred yards, completely destroying anything in its path.
Prince John: Wow! How's it work?
Sheriff of Rottingham: It's rather simple. You get one of these heavy boulders, put it here where I'm sitting, and then pull on that lever.
Prince John: Like this?
[John pulls the lever and flings Mervin into the air]
Sheriff of Rottingham: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
Latrine: [praying by her bed in her boudoir] Oh dear Lord, if you see fit to send me my one true love...
[the Sheriff crashes through the roof and lands on the bed]
Latrine: [looks up and grins] Thank you!
[starts to climb on top of the Sheriff]
Latrine: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Sheriff of Rottingham: [struggles] No! No! I have a headache!
[runs away]
Latrine: OH BUGGER!
[breaks the fourth wall]
Latrine: I was *that* close! I touched it.
[Villagers begin throwing food at the archery contest]
Blinkin: Oh good, they've opened the salad bar.
[Ahchoo has released Robin from a noose]
Robin Hood: Nice shooting, Ahchoo.
Ahchoo: To tell you the truth, I was aiming for the Hangman.
Robin Hood: Good people, who have travelled from villages near and far! Lend me your ears!
Robin Hood: [Crowd proceeds to pull off ears and throw them at Robin]
Robin Hood: That's disgusting!
Robin Hood: [trying to unlock the chastity belt] Um, darling?
Maid Marian: [in sultry voice] What?
Robin Hood: You're not going to believe this...
Maid Marian: What?
Robin Hood: It won't open!
Maid Marian: WHAT?
Robin Hood: Wait, I have an idea! Call a locksmith!
Guard: Robin of Locksley, where is your king?
Robin Hood: King? King? And which King might that be? King Richard? King Louis? King Kong? Larry King?
Prince John: Send word to one and all, and all and one... that's a little redundant, isn't it?
Herald: WHAT?
Prince John: Shut up!
King Richard: [taking Prince John's crown] You are no longer worthy to wear this sacred symbol of authority.
Prince John: Oh please have mercy on me, brother. It wasn't my fault. I got some really bad advice from Rottingham.
Crowd: [coughs] Bullshit! Bullshit!
King Richard: Brother, you have surrounded your given name with a foul stench!
[to the crowd]
King Richard: From this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... johns!
Crowd: [cheers]
Prince John: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
King Richard: Take him away! Put him in the Tower of London! Make him part of the tour.
Maid Marian: I've come to warn you, Prince John and Rottingham have hired men to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go.
Robin Hood: Well, that's easy. I won't.
Maid Marian: Oh, I'm so happy! They were going to try to lure you there by having an archery contest.
Robin Hood: An archery contest?
Maid Marian: Their archer is unbeatable.
Robin Hood: Really?
Maid Marian: Robin, promise you won't go.
Robin Hood: All right, I promise you won't go.
Maid Marian: Thank you.
[stops for a second, confused]
Ahchoo: But wait a minute, Robin, didn't you just...
Robin Hood: Cool it...
Ahchoo: Chilled.
Robin Hood: I lost. I lost? Wait a second, I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see the script.
Robin Hood: As my first order of business, I would like to appoint a new Sheriff... my friend Ahchoo.
Crowd: A black sheriff?
Blinkin: He's black?
Ahchoo: And why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.
Robin Hood: Oh, my darling, I'm ready for that kiss now.
Maid Marian: But first, I must warn you. It could only be a kiss. For I am a virgin and could never... go all the way.
Robin Hood: But...
Maid Marian: Unless I were married. Or if a man pledged his endless love to me.
Robin Hood: Yes...
Maid Marian: Or if I knew that he desperately cared for me. Or if he were really cute!
Merry Men: [singing] We're men / We're men in tights / We roam around the forest looking for fights / We're men / We're men in tights / We rob from the rich and give to the poor / That's right! / We may look like sissies / But watch what you say / Or else we'll put out your lights / We're men / We're men in tights / Always on guard / Defending the people's rights / We're men / Manly men! / We're men in tights / Yes! / We roam around the forest looking for fights / We're men / We're men in tights / We rob from the rich and give to the poor / That's right! / We may look like pansies / But don't get us wrong / Or else we'll put out your lights / We're men / We're men in tights / *Tight tights* / Always on guard / Defending the people's rights / When you're in a fix / Just call for the men in tights / We're butch!
Sheriff of Rottingham: I was angry at you before Locksley, but now I'm really pissed off!
Ahchoo: Pissed off? If I was that close to a horse's wiener I'd be worrying about being pissed on!
Robin Hood: You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
Rabbi Tuckman: Faygeles?
[clears their throats, trying to act macho]
Robin Hood: No, no. We're straight. Just... merry.
Rabbi Tuckman: As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?
Robin Hood: I am Robin of Locksley.
Rabbi Tuckman: Robin of Locksley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Locksley and Bahgel! It can't miss!
Abbot: We are here to witness the marriage, of Mervin, the Sheriff of...
[crowd snickers]
Abbot: Mervin? Your name is Mervin?
Sheriff of Rottingham: [over crowd laughing] Shut up! Shut up!
Abbot: OK... Mervin.
[crowd starts laughing again]
Sheriff of Rottingham: [taking off his leather glove and slapping Robin with it] I challenge you to a duel.
Robin Hood: [picking an iron gauntlet up from the dinner table and smacking Rottingham across the face with it, knocking him down] I accept!
Sheriff of Rottingham: This was to be a "private" meeting... I mean, who are these men?
Don Giovanni: These? These are my most trusted associates. On my right, Dirty Ezio. On my left, Filthy Luca.
Filthy Luca: [Stands Up] We thank you, for inviting us on the day of your daughter's wedding.
Don Giovanni: No, no, no.
Filthy Luca: I hope that her first child, is a masculine child.
Don Giovanni: Shut up! We haven't even had our meeting yet!
Filthy Luca: ...Oh yeah.
[sits down]
Robin Hood: [first meeting Blinkin the blind servant] BLINKIN!
Blinkin: Master Robin, Is that you?
Robin Hood: Yes.
Blinkin: What back from the Crusades?
Robin Hood: Yes.
Blinkin: And alive?
Robin Hood: [pause] yes
Sheriff of Rottingham: The old man is Locksley.
Prince John: Are you sure? He looks like Mark Twain.
Sheriff of Rottingham: Sire, I have news!
Prince John: And what sort of news do you have? It's not bad news, is it? You know I can't take bad news. The day started out so good. I had a good night's sleep, I had a good B.M. I don't want to hear any bad news. So, what kind of news is it?
Sheriff of Rottingham: Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad.
Prince John: [shouts] I knew it! I knew it would be bad news. Wait, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the *bad* news in a *good* way, it wouldn't sound so bad.
Sheriff of Rottingham: [thinking] The bad news in a good way. Yes, I can do that. The bad news in a good way. Well, here it goes.
[hysterically]
Sheriff of Rottingham: W-wait till you hear this! I just saw Robin of Locksley, he's back from the crusades.
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, he just beat the *crap* out of me and my men.
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: He hates you and he loves your brother, Richard!
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: And...
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: ... he wants to see you hanged!
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: We, we're in a lot of trouble!
[laughs and snorts loudly]
Prince John: [furious] What, are you crazy? Why are you laughing? This is terrible news!
Ahchoo: [after Blinkin catches an arrow] Blinkin! How did you do that?
Blinkin: I heard that coming a mile away.
Robin Hood: Right-o, Blinkin, very good.
Blinkin: Pardon? Who's talking?
Angry Villager: There must be another way of doing the credits.
Fire Marshal: That's right. Every time they make a Robin Hood movie, they burn our village down!
Maid Marian: Oh Broomhilde, look! A happy little bluebird! Hello!
[the bird lands on her finger]
Maid Marian: This means I must make a wish. I wish against wish, I hope against hope, that the heavens bring me a kind and wonderful gentleman who possesses the key to my...
[looks at her chastity belt, then looks at Broomhilde]
Maid Marian: heart.
[bird flies away]
Maid Marian: Goodbye, my little friend.
Broomhilde: Ooh, that happy little bluebird has left a happy little do-do on your hand!
[Robin has just been chained in Le Dungeon]
Asneeze: You are very brave for not a homeboy.
Robin Hood: Oh, thank you.
Asneeze: I've been in here for a while. Perhaps I could be of service. Do you have any questions?
Robin Hood: What are you in for?
Asneeze: Jaywalking.
Abbot: I will perform the opening prayer in the New Latin. Oh ordlay, ivethgay usway ouryay essingsblay. Amen-ay!
Crowd: AMEN-AY!
*accidentally interrupts a kidnapping*
"Huh? What's your problem punk?"
"Oh, Nothing, I just need directions to 7th street."
"Oh, okay, go down..."
*turns around to see guy and kidnap victim running away on a motorcyle*
"Ah, man."
[the Sheriff has said he'll cut out Robin Hood's heart with a spoon]
Guy of Gisborne: Why a s, cousin? Why not an axe?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Because it's DULL, you twit. It'll hurt more.
Prince John: What can you tell me about Robin of Locksley?
Latrine: Robin of Locksley? Robin of Locksley? Hmm, let me see.
[starts cooking up a potion in her cauldron]
Latrine: Raven's egg! Blood of a hen! A little more blood, yes! Eyeballs of a crocodile! Testicles of a newt! I bet he's a transsexual now! Robin of Locksley is handsome and brave. He seeks to regain his family's honor. Little sod could be trouble.
Prince John: Are you certain?
Latrine: Certain? You want certain, hire yourself a witch! Me, I'm just your cook.
[serves contents of the cauldron]
Latrine: Here, eat that.
Sheriff of Rottingham: So it's come to this, has it? A fight to the death, mano a mano, man to man, just you and me and my *guards*!
Robin Hood: [Robin and Ahchoo are fight the sherif of Rottinghams men] Watch my back!
Ahchoo: [Ahchoo litarlly leans over and looks at his back as a guard punches him twice in the back] Your back just got punched twice.
Robin Hood: Thank You!
Prince John: I hope's it worth the NOISE!
Ahchoo: [standing by a creek] Look, Robin, you don't have to do this. I mean, this ain't exactly the Mississipi. I'm on one side, I'm on the other side. I'm on the east bank, I'm on the west bank. It's not that critical
[Ahchoo is getting beaten up by a group of soldiers and as Robin who is riding his horse searches for Ahchoo, he suddenly saw Ahchoo getting beaten up by a group of soldiers]
Robin Hood: Ahchoo?
[the soldiers briefly stop beating Ahchoo and face Robin Hood]
Soldiers: Bless you!
[the soldiers continues to beat up Ahchoo]
Ahchoo: Man, I hope someone is getting a video of this!
Sheriff of Rottingham: [after Robin has fired his shot, hitting the bullseye dead center] Don't worry, Dirty Ezio still has another shot.
Prince John: But he hit the very center of the bullseye... schmuck!
Rabbi Tuckman: [performing the marriage] Robin, do you?
Robin Hood: I do.
Rabbi Tuckman: Marian, do you?
Maid Marian: I do.
Rabbi Tuckman: I now pronounce you man and...
King Richard: I object!
Rabbi Tuckman: Who asked?
Rabbi Tuckman: Excuse me, King. Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Marian?
King Richard: I have no objection, but I have not yet kissed the bride. It is a custom, and my royal right.
[hands the rabbi his sword]
King Richard: Hold this, Father.
Rabbi Tuckman: Rabbi.
King Richard: Whatever.
[grabs Maid Marian and gives her a LOOOONNGGG kiss]
Rabbi Tuckman: [impressed] It's good to be the king.
King Richard: Now you may marry them
Rabbi Tuckman: Thank you. Here's your knife.
King Richard: Sword.
Rabbi Tuckman: Whatever.
Don Giovanni: Ok, you want plain English: Robin is gonna be dead. D-E-D. Dead.
Sheriff of Rottingham: Struckey has loxed again.
Prince John: What?
Sheriff of Rottingham: Loxley has struck again.
Ahchoo: Blinkin - what's the fastest way to reach the villagers?
Blinkin: Why don't we fox them?
Ahchoo: Fox them!
Azeem shows Guy's approaching men with a telescope. Robin peers at it, bewildered]
Azeem: How did your uneducated kind ever take Jerusalem?
Azeem: No man controls my destiny... especially not one who attacks downwind and stinks of garlic.
Marian: Robin, do something for me.
Robin of Locksley: What?
Marian: Take a bath.
Little John: Are you bleedin' cracked, girl? You'd get hurt.
Fanny: I've given birth to eight babies. Don't you talk to me about gettin' hurt, ya big ox.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Wait a minute. Robin Hood steals money from my pocket, forcing me to hurt the public, and they love him for it?
[Scribe nods]
Sheriff of Nottingham: That's it then. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas.
[Robin has been knocked down once by John Little]
Robin Hood: Any suggestions?
Azeem: Get up. Move faster.
Robin Hood: Move faster. Great idea.
Robin Hood: And you. You travel ten thousand miles to save my life and leave me to be butchered.
Azeem: I fulfill my vows when I choose to.
Robin Hood: Which does not include prayer time, meal time, or any time I'm outnumbered six to one.
Azeem: You whine like a mule. You are still alive.
Azeem: Salaam, little one.
Small Girl: Did God paint you?
Azeem: Did God paint me?
[laughs]
Azeem: For certain.
Small Girl: Why?
Azeem: Because Allah loves wondrous varieties.
Azeem: English! English! Behold, Azeem Edin Bashir Al Bakir. I am not one of you, but I fight! I fight with Robin Hood. I fight against a tyrant who holds you under his boot! If you would be free men, then you must fight! Join us now, join Robin Hood!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Now I have heard that Robin Hood may still be alive. Either tell me where he may be hiding, or you wll all hanged and we will catch him anyway and do the same thing to him.
Will Scarlett: I'd love to kill him for you.
Wulf: Will, no!
Sheriff of Nottingham: So he is alive, then?
Will Scarlett: I'm not really sure.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Then why would I need you?
Will Scarlett: Because, my lord, if he is alive, I can get close to him. I'm one of his men. He would never suspect me.
Wulf: He knows you always hated him, traitor!
Sheriff of Nottingham, Will Scarlett: Shut up!
Will Scarlett: He's a trusting fool. He'll believe me. And if he doesn't, he'll kill me. Then you've lost nothing.
Sheriff of Nottingham: If you fail, I will personally remove your lying tounge.
Will Scarlett: And if I suceed, I get my freedom and the bounty on his head.
Sheriff of Nottingham: The lash, I think! Sorry about that. It'll make it more convincing.
Bull: We were set upon by, like, ten...
Much the Miller's Son: Uh, 12!
Bull: 15 large, big lads.
Sarah: Oh, yeah?
Bull: Yeah!
[the outlaws are passing a jug of mead around a circle; one of them finishes, then starts to pass the bottle past Azeem]
Robin Hood: Has English hospitality changed so much that a friend of mine's not welcome?
Hal: But he's a savage, sire.
Robin Hood: That he is... but no more than you or I. And don't call me sire.
[the woodsman offers the jug to Azeem]
Azeem: Regretfully, I must decline. Allah forbids it.
Little John: Your bloody loss, mate.
King Richard: I will not allow this wedding to proceed.
Robin Hood: My Lord!
King Richard: Unless I'm allowed to give the bride away. You look radiant, cousin.
[Azeem is preparing to help Fanny deliver a breech baby]
Robin Hood: What are you going to do?
Azeem: I have seen it many times... with horses.
Robin Hood: With *horses*?
[preparing to ambush two travelers in the forest]
Bull: You take the one on the left.
Much the Miller's Son: Which one's left?
[Bull wiggles his right hand]
Much the Miller's Son: Oh... which one are you taking?
Bull: What do you mean, which one am I taking? If you're taking the one on the left, I'm taking the one on the right.
Much the Miller's Son: Which one's right?
Bull: The one that...
[he pauses, confused]
Bull: We'll just jump out together.
[after Sarah and Marian get the better of Bull and his companion, they bring them to meet Robin]
Robin Hood: What happened to your eye, Bull?
"You Speak Treason!"
"Fluently."
-The Adventures of Robin Hood
Little John: Let me introduce you to my best friend: Will Scarlet.
Scarlet: Scarlet's my middle name. My full name is Will Scarlet O'Hara.
[pause]
Scarlet: We're from Georgia.
-Robin Hood MIT
Sheriff of Rottingham: King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!
Robin Hood, Maid Marian: What?
Sheriff of Rottingham: I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?
Robin Hood: Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?
[crowd gasps]
Prince John: Careful Robin, you go too far.
-RHMIT
Robin Hood: Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you come and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council, and perhaps... some of your wine?
[Merry Men snicker]
Rabbi Tuckman: Wisdom and council, that's easy. But this is sacrimental wine! It's only used to bless things.
Merry Men: Awwwww...
Rabbi Tuckman: [pauses] Wait a minute! There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on, we'll bless them all until we get vashnigyered
[drunk]
Rabbi Tuckman: Join me!
Robin Hood: Let's hear it for the Rabbi!
-RHMIT
Prince John: Save me, save me! Hurt them, hurt them!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Right! Save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you! I've got it!
-RHMIT
Sheriff of Rottingham: Over that boy hand!
[pauses, looking confused]
Sheriff of Rottingham: Hand over that boy!
Ahchoo: Let's get out of this ladies clothing and get into our tights!
-RHMIT
Maid Marian: Wait!
Sheriff of Rottingham: What for?
Maid Marian: If you promise not to kill Robin, I shall do the most disgusting thing that I can think of.
Prince John: Oooohhh.
Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh? And what's that?
Maid Marian: I shall marry you.
Sheriff of Rottingham: What? You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night? And sometimes, right after lunch?
Maid Marian: Yes, but only my body. You can never have my heart, my mind, or my soul!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh, oh yes! I respect that.
Little John: Let's face it. You've gotta be a man to wear tights!
Robin Hood: Are you with me? Yea or Nay?
Villager: Well which one means yes?
Robin Hood: Yea.
Robin Hood: By the by, do you know praying mantis?
Ahchoo: You're looking at him.
Ahchoo: What part of Georgia you from? South Central?
Angry Villagers: LEAVE US ALONE, MEL BROOKS!
[Robin tries to jump on his horse and falls]
Ahchoo: Man, white men can't jump.
[Robin and Ahchoo are fighting royal soldiers]
Ahchoo: Time out! Sorry bad guys, but I am running out of air. Gotta get pumped.
[Ahchoo pumps his sneakers]
Ahchoo: OK honkies. Time in!
Prince John: Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
Latrine: We changed it in the 9th century.
Prince John: You mean you changed it TO "Latrine"?
Latrine: Yeah. Used to be "shithouse."
Prince John: It's a good change. That's a good change!
-Robin Hood MIT
Man in church: Hey Abbot!
Abbot: I hate that guy!
-Robing Hood MIT
Prince John: And why should the people listen to you?
Robin Hood: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.
-Robin Hood MIT
Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!
Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.
Robin Hood: He's dead?
Blinkin: Yes.
Robin Hood: And my mother?
Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while... oh, you were away...
Robin Hood: My brothers?
Blinkin: There were all killed by the plague.
Robin Hood: My dog, Pogo?
Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.
Robin Hood: My goldfish, Goldie?
Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.
Robin Hood: [on the verge of tears] My cat?
Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.
[pause]
Blinkin: Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?
-Robin Hood MIT
Prince John: Tell everyone that when the day is out we shall have a wedding. Or a hanging. Either way, we're gonna have a lot of fun, huh?
-RH-MIT
Robin Hood: And who might you be?
Little John: Oh, they call me Little John. But don't let my name fool you. In real life, I'm very big.
Robin Hood: I'll take your word for it.
-RHMIT
Robin Hood: Kindly let me pass.
Little John: Uh, no. Sorry, but a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls.
[Proudly]
Little John: I made that up.
Robin Hood: It's very fascinating. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you.
-RHMIT
Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, this wasn't a very smart thing to do, Locksley. I'll pay for this!
[pause]
Sheriff of Rottingham: YOU'LL pay for this!
-RHMIT
Robin Hood: Rabbi!
Rabbi Tuckman: [sticks his head out of his tent] Who calls?
Robin Hood: It is I, Robin of Locksley! We wish to get married in a hurry!
Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry? That's great! Hold on, I'm on my last customer. I'll be right out.
[goes back inside his tent, then something being chopped off is heard, followed by a man screaming. The rabbi comes back out]
Rabbi Tuckman: Put a little ice on it. You'll be fine.
[to Robin]
Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry, married in a hurry! Please invite me to the briss.
Maid Marian: Broomhilde, there's a foul plot afoot.
Broomhilde: It's not my feet, I just washed them.
Ahchoo: We didn't land on Sherwood Forest! Sherwood Forest landed on us!
Robin Hood: This is Ahchoo.
Little John: Bless you!
Ahchoo: [laughs] No, that's my name, man. Ahchoo.
Robin Hood: Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Ahchoo.
Blinkin: A Jew? Here?
Robin Hood: No no, not a Jew. Ahchoo.
[Broomhilde prepares to jump on horse from the balcony]
Horse: [makes loud noise and shakes head]
subtitle: She's got to be kidding!
after falling from a tree]
Blinkin: I can see!
[runs right into another tree]
Blinkin: Nope, I was wrong.
Sheriff of Rottingham: This is a stealth catapult, we've been working on it secretly for months. It can hurl one of these heavy boulders undetected, over a hundred yards, completely destroying anything in its path.
Prince John: Wow! How's it work?
Sheriff of Rottingham: It's rather simple. You get one of these heavy boulders, put it here where I'm sitting, and then pull on that lever.
Prince John: Like this?
[John pulls the lever and flings Mervin into the air]
Sheriff of Rottingham: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
Latrine: [praying by her bed in her boudoir] Oh dear Lord, if you see fit to send me my one true love...
[the Sheriff crashes through the roof and lands on the bed]
Latrine: [looks up and grins] Thank you!
[starts to climb on top of the Sheriff]
Latrine: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Sheriff of Rottingham: [struggles] No! No! I have a headache!
[runs away]
Latrine: OH BUGGER!
[breaks the fourth wall]
Latrine: I was *that* close! I touched it.
[Villagers begin throwing food at the archery contest]
Blinkin: Oh good, they've opened the salad bar.
[Ahchoo has released Robin from a noose]
Robin Hood: Nice shooting, Ahchoo.
Ahchoo: To tell you the truth, I was aiming for the Hangman.
Robin Hood: Good people, who have travelled from villages near and far! Lend me your ears!
Robin Hood: [Crowd proceeds to pull off ears and throw them at Robin]
Robin Hood: That's disgusting!
Robin Hood: [trying to unlock the chastity belt] Um, darling?
Maid Marian: [in sultry voice] What?
Robin Hood: You're not going to believe this...
Maid Marian: What?
Robin Hood: It won't open!
Maid Marian: WHAT?
Robin Hood: Wait, I have an idea! Call a locksmith!
Guard: Robin of Locksley, where is your king?
Robin Hood: King? King? And which King might that be? King Richard? King Louis? King Kong? Larry King?
Prince John: Send word to one and all, and all and one... that's a little redundant, isn't it?
Herald: WHAT?
Prince John: Shut up!
King Richard: [taking Prince John's crown] You are no longer worthy to wear this sacred symbol of authority.
Prince John: Oh please have mercy on me, brother. It wasn't my fault. I got some really bad advice from Rottingham.
Crowd: [coughs] Bullshit! Bullshit!
King Richard: Brother, you have surrounded your given name with a foul stench!
[to the crowd]
King Richard: From this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... johns!
Crowd: [cheers]
Prince John: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
King Richard: Take him away! Put him in the Tower of London! Make him part of the tour.
Maid Marian: I've come to warn you, Prince John and Rottingham have hired men to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go.
Robin Hood: Well, that's easy. I won't.
Maid Marian: Oh, I'm so happy! They were going to try to lure you there by having an archery contest.
Robin Hood: An archery contest?
Maid Marian: Their archer is unbeatable.
Robin Hood: Really?
Maid Marian: Robin, promise you won't go.
Robin Hood: All right, I promise you won't go.
Maid Marian: Thank you.
[stops for a second, confused]
Ahchoo: But wait a minute, Robin, didn't you just...
Robin Hood: Cool it...
Ahchoo: Chilled.
Robin Hood: I lost. I lost? Wait a second, I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see the script.
Robin Hood: As my first order of business, I would like to appoint a new Sheriff... my friend Ahchoo.
Crowd: A black sheriff?
Blinkin: He's black?
Ahchoo: And why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.
Robin Hood: Oh, my darling, I'm ready for that kiss now.
Maid Marian: But first, I must warn you. It could only be a kiss. For I am a virgin and could never... go all the way.
Robin Hood: But...
Maid Marian: Unless I were married. Or if a man pledged his endless love to me.
Robin Hood: Yes...
Maid Marian: Or if I knew that he desperately cared for me. Or if he were really cute!
Merry Men: [singing] We're men / We're men in tights / We roam around the forest looking for fights / We're men / We're men in tights / We rob from the rich and give to the poor / That's right! / We may look like sissies / But watch what you say / Or else we'll put out your lights / We're men / We're men in tights / Always on guard / Defending the people's rights / We're men / Manly men! / We're men in tights / Yes! / We roam around the forest looking for fights / We're men / We're men in tights / We rob from the rich and give to the poor / That's right! / We may look like pansies / But don't get us wrong / Or else we'll put out your lights / We're men / We're men in tights / *Tight tights* / Always on guard / Defending the people's rights / When you're in a fix / Just call for the men in tights / We're butch!
Sheriff of Rottingham: I was angry at you before Locksley, but now I'm really pissed off!
Ahchoo: Pissed off? If I was that close to a horse's wiener I'd be worrying about being pissed on!
Robin Hood: You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
Rabbi Tuckman: Faygeles?
[clears their throats, trying to act macho]
Robin Hood: No, no. We're straight. Just... merry.
Rabbi Tuckman: As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?
Robin Hood: I am Robin of Locksley.
Rabbi Tuckman: Robin of Locksley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Locksley and Bahgel! It can't miss!
Abbot: We are here to witness the marriage, of Mervin, the Sheriff of...
[crowd snickers]
Abbot: Mervin? Your name is Mervin?
Sheriff of Rottingham: [over crowd laughing] Shut up! Shut up!
Abbot: OK... Mervin.
[crowd starts laughing again]
Sheriff of Rottingham: [taking off his leather glove and slapping Robin with it] I challenge you to a duel.
Robin Hood: [picking an iron gauntlet up from the dinner table and smacking Rottingham across the face with it, knocking him down] I accept!
Sheriff of Rottingham: This was to be a "private" meeting... I mean, who are these men?
Don Giovanni: These? These are my most trusted associates. On my right, Dirty Ezio. On my left, Filthy Luca.
Filthy Luca: [Stands Up] We thank you, for inviting us on the day of your daughter's wedding.
Don Giovanni: No, no, no.
Filthy Luca: I hope that her first child, is a masculine child.
Don Giovanni: Shut up! We haven't even had our meeting yet!
Filthy Luca: ...Oh yeah.
[sits down]
Robin Hood: [first meeting Blinkin the blind servant] BLINKIN!
Blinkin: Master Robin, Is that you?
Robin Hood: Yes.
Blinkin: What back from the Crusades?
Robin Hood: Yes.
Blinkin: And alive?
Robin Hood: [pause] yes
Sheriff of Rottingham: The old man is Locksley.
Prince John: Are you sure? He looks like Mark Twain.
Sheriff of Rottingham: Sire, I have news!
Prince John: And what sort of news do you have? It's not bad news, is it? You know I can't take bad news. The day started out so good. I had a good night's sleep, I had a good B.M. I don't want to hear any bad news. So, what kind of news is it?
Sheriff of Rottingham: Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad.
Prince John: [shouts] I knew it! I knew it would be bad news. Wait, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the *bad* news in a *good* way, it wouldn't sound so bad.
Sheriff of Rottingham: [thinking] The bad news in a good way. Yes, I can do that. The bad news in a good way. Well, here it goes.
[hysterically]
Sheriff of Rottingham: W-wait till you hear this! I just saw Robin of Locksley, he's back from the crusades.
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, he just beat the *crap* out of me and my men.
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: He hates you and he loves your brother, Richard!
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: And...
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: ... he wants to see you hanged!
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: We, we're in a lot of trouble!
[laughs and snorts loudly]
Prince John: [furious] What, are you crazy? Why are you laughing? This is terrible news!
Ahchoo: [after Blinkin catches an arrow] Blinkin! How did you do that?
Blinkin: I heard that coming a mile away.
Robin Hood: Right-o, Blinkin, very good.
Blinkin: Pardon? Who's talking?
Angry Villager: There must be another way of doing the credits.
Fire Marshal: That's right. Every time they make a Robin Hood movie, they burn our village down!
Maid Marian: Oh Broomhilde, look! A happy little bluebird! Hello!
[the bird lands on her finger]
Maid Marian: This means I must make a wish. I wish against wish, I hope against hope, that the heavens bring me a kind and wonderful gentleman who possesses the key to my...
[looks at her chastity belt, then looks at Broomhilde]
Maid Marian: heart.
[bird flies away]
Maid Marian: Goodbye, my little friend.
Broomhilde: Ooh, that happy little bluebird has left a happy little do-do on your hand!
[Robin has just been chained in Le Dungeon]
Asneeze: You are very brave for not a homeboy.
Robin Hood: Oh, thank you.
Asneeze: I've been in here for a while. Perhaps I could be of service. Do you have any questions?
Robin Hood: What are you in for?
Asneeze: Jaywalking.
Abbot: I will perform the opening prayer in the New Latin. Oh ordlay, ivethgay usway ouryay essingsblay. Amen-ay!
Crowd: AMEN-AY!
*accidentally interrupts a kidnapping*
"Huh? What's your problem punk?"
"Oh, Nothing, I just need directions to 7th street."
"Oh, okay, go down..."
*turns around to see guy and kidnap victim running away on a motorcyle*
"Ah, man."
[the Sheriff has said he'll cut out Robin Hood's heart with a spoon]
Guy of Gisborne: Why a s, cousin? Why not an axe?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Because it's DULL, you twit. It'll hurt more.
Prince John: What can you tell me about Robin of Locksley?
Latrine: Robin of Locksley? Robin of Locksley? Hmm, let me see.
[starts cooking up a potion in her cauldron]
Latrine: Raven's egg! Blood of a hen! A little more blood, yes! Eyeballs of a crocodile! Testicles of a newt! I bet he's a transsexual now! Robin of Locksley is handsome and brave. He seeks to regain his family's honor. Little sod could be trouble.
Prince John: Are you certain?
Latrine: Certain? You want certain, hire yourself a witch! Me, I'm just your cook.
[serves contents of the cauldron]
Latrine: Here, eat that.
Sheriff of Rottingham: So it's come to this, has it? A fight to the death, mano a mano, man to man, just you and me and my *guards*!
Robin Hood: [Robin and Ahchoo are fight the sherif of Rottinghams men] Watch my back!
Ahchoo: [Ahchoo litarlly leans over and looks at his back as a guard punches him twice in the back] Your back just got punched twice.
Robin Hood: Thank You!
Prince John: I hope's it worth the NOISE!
Ahchoo: [standing by a creek] Look, Robin, you don't have to do this. I mean, this ain't exactly the Mississipi. I'm on one side, I'm on the other side. I'm on the east bank, I'm on the west bank. It's not that critical
[Ahchoo is getting beaten up by a group of soldiers and as Robin who is riding his horse searches for Ahchoo, he suddenly saw Ahchoo getting beaten up by a group of soldiers]
Robin Hood: Ahchoo?
[the soldiers briefly stop beating Ahchoo and face Robin Hood]
Soldiers: Bless you!
[the soldiers continues to beat up Ahchoo]
Ahchoo: Man, I hope someone is getting a video of this!
Sheriff of Rottingham: [after Robin has fired his shot, hitting the bullseye dead center] Don't worry, Dirty Ezio still has another shot.
Prince John: But he hit the very center of the bullseye... schmuck!
Rabbi Tuckman: [performing the marriage] Robin, do you?
Robin Hood: I do.
Rabbi Tuckman: Marian, do you?
Maid Marian: I do.
Rabbi Tuckman: I now pronounce you man and...
King Richard: I object!
Rabbi Tuckman: Who asked?
Rabbi Tuckman: Excuse me, King. Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Marian?
King Richard: I have no objection, but I have not yet kissed the bride. It is a custom, and my royal right.
[hands the rabbi his sword]
King Richard: Hold this, Father.
Rabbi Tuckman: Rabbi.
King Richard: Whatever.
[grabs Maid Marian and gives her a LOOOONNGGG kiss]
Rabbi Tuckman: [impressed] It's good to be the king.
King Richard: Now you may marry them
Rabbi Tuckman: Thank you. Here's your knife.
King Richard: Sword.
Rabbi Tuckman: Whatever.
Don Giovanni: Ok, you want plain English: Robin is gonna be dead. D-E-D. Dead.
Sheriff of Rottingham: Struckey has loxed again.
Prince John: What?
Sheriff of Rottingham: Loxley has struck again.
Ahchoo: Blinkin - what's the fastest way to reach the villagers?
Blinkin: Why don't we fox them?
Ahchoo: Fox them!
Azeem shows Guy's approaching men with a telescope. Robin peers at it, bewildered]
Azeem: How did your uneducated kind ever take Jerusalem?
Azeem: No man controls my destiny... especially not one who attacks downwind and stinks of garlic.
Marian: Robin, do something for me.
Robin of Locksley: What?
Marian: Take a bath.
Little John: Are you bleedin' cracked, girl? You'd get hurt.
Fanny: I've given birth to eight babies. Don't you talk to me about gettin' hurt, ya big ox.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Wait a minute. Robin Hood steals money from my pocket, forcing me to hurt the public, and they love him for it?
[Scribe nods]
Sheriff of Nottingham: That's it then. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas.
[Robin has been knocked down once by John Little]
Robin Hood: Any suggestions?
Azeem: Get up. Move faster.
Robin Hood: Move faster. Great idea.
Robin Hood: And you. You travel ten thousand miles to save my life and leave me to be butchered.
Azeem: I fulfill my vows when I choose to.
Robin Hood: Which does not include prayer time, meal time, or any time I'm outnumbered six to one.
Azeem: You whine like a mule. You are still alive.
Azeem: Salaam, little one.
Small Girl: Did God paint you?
Azeem: Did God paint me?
[laughs]
Azeem: For certain.
Small Girl: Why?
Azeem: Because Allah loves wondrous varieties.
Azeem: English! English! Behold, Azeem Edin Bashir Al Bakir. I am not one of you, but I fight! I fight with Robin Hood. I fight against a tyrant who holds you under his boot! If you would be free men, then you must fight! Join us now, join Robin Hood!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Now I have heard that Robin Hood may still be alive. Either tell me where he may be hiding, or you wll all hanged and we will catch him anyway and do the same thing to him.
Will Scarlett: I'd love to kill him for you.
Wulf: Will, no!
Sheriff of Nottingham: So he is alive, then?
Will Scarlett: I'm not really sure.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Then why would I need you?
Will Scarlett: Because, my lord, if he is alive, I can get close to him. I'm one of his men. He would never suspect me.
Wulf: He knows you always hated him, traitor!
Sheriff of Nottingham, Will Scarlett: Shut up!
Will Scarlett: He's a trusting fool. He'll believe me. And if he doesn't, he'll kill me. Then you've lost nothing.
Sheriff of Nottingham: If you fail, I will personally remove your lying tounge.
Will Scarlett: And if I suceed, I get my freedom and the bounty on his head.
Sheriff of Nottingham: The lash, I think! Sorry about that. It'll make it more convincing.
Bull: We were set upon by, like, ten...
Much the Miller's Son: Uh, 12!
Bull: 15 large, big lads.
Sarah: Oh, yeah?
Bull: Yeah!
[the outlaws are passing a jug of mead around a circle; one of them finishes, then starts to pass the bottle past Azeem]
Robin Hood: Has English hospitality changed so much that a friend of mine's not welcome?
Hal: But he's a savage, sire.
Robin Hood: That he is... but no more than you or I. And don't call me sire.
[the woodsman offers the jug to Azeem]
Azeem: Regretfully, I must decline. Allah forbids it.
Little John: Your bloody loss, mate.
King Richard: I will not allow this wedding to proceed.
Robin Hood: My Lord!
King Richard: Unless I'm allowed to give the bride away. You look radiant, cousin.
[Azeem is preparing to help Fanny deliver a breech baby]
Robin Hood: What are you going to do?
Azeem: I have seen it many times... with horses.
Robin Hood: With *horses*?
[preparing to ambush two travelers in the forest]
Bull: You take the one on the left.
Much the Miller's Son: Which one's left?
[Bull wiggles his right hand]
Much the Miller's Son: Oh... which one are you taking?
Bull: What do you mean, which one am I taking? If you're taking the one on the left, I'm taking the one on the right.
Much the Miller's Son: Which one's right?
Bull: The one that...
[he pauses, confused]
Bull: We'll just jump out together.
[after Sarah and Marian get the better of Bull and his companion, they bring them to meet Robin]
Robin Hood: What happened to your eye, Bull?
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Said by Eoin Colfer while on tour in Austin, Texas.
While looking at a plate filled with Texan style BBQ.
"I'm going to eat this and then drop dead of a heart attack."
"If I ever have to leave Ireland I'm going to live here, in Texas. Buy me a Starbucks and settle down and raise a bunch of little cowboys and cowgirls. Everyone's very tall though. I think they eat a lot of steak so I feel permenately like I'm five years old looking up at these massive big twelve year olds. So I might have to get shin extensions if I do come to live here."
While looking at a plate filled with Texan style BBQ.
"I'm going to eat this and then drop dead of a heart attack."
"If I ever have to leave Ireland I'm going to live here, in Texas. Buy me a Starbucks and settle down and raise a bunch of little cowboys and cowgirls. Everyone's very tall though. I think they eat a lot of steak so I feel permenately like I'm five years old looking up at these massive big twelve year olds. So I might have to get shin extensions if I do come to live here."
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