Constantine

Angela Dodson: You tried to kill yourself.
John Constantine: I didn't *try* anything.
-Constantine

Dr. Leslie Archer: John, you really need to prepare... make arrangements.
John Constantine: No need. I already know exactly where I'm going.
-Constantine

John Constantine: Detective, what if I told you that God and the devil made a wager, a kind of standing bet for the souls of all mankind?
Angela Dodson: I'd tell you to stay on your meds.
John Constantine: Humor me. No direct contact with humans. That would be the rule. Just influence. See who would win.
-Constantine

Chas Chandler: John, why would you do that if you know it's not my car?
John Constantine: I told you to move it.
Chas Chandler: Right, John, you did tell me to move it, but if you would have told me there was a three hundred pound mirror you were dropping with a pissed-off demon, I would have moved it further, John!
-Constantine

Chas Chandler: How much longer do I have to be your slave, John?
John Constantine: You're not my slave, Chas, you're my very appreciated apprentice, like Tonto, or Robin, or that skinny fellow with the fat friend.
-Constantine

Midnite: Tell me this isn't about the girl?
John Constantine: Definitely, mostly not about the girl.
-Constantine

Beeman: [his last lines] I know you've never had much faith, you've never had much reason to. But, that doesn't mean that we don't have faith... in you.
-Constantine

John Constantine: How's the family?
Satan: Family's doing just fine. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Need a vacation.
-Constantine

Gabriel: Son of perdition. Little horn! Most unclean!
Satan: [nostalgic] I do miss the old names.
-Constantine

Satan: [his last lines] No. You will live, John Constantine. You will live so you will have the chance to prove that your soul truly belongs in hell. Oh, you will live. You will live.
-Constantine

Satan: Yeah, what do you want? An extension?
-Constantine

Angela Dodson: Well, I thought that with your background, you could at least point me in the right direction?
John Constantine: Yeah, okay. Sure.
[points to the door]
-Constantine

John Constantine: [voiceover] I guess there's a plan for all of us. I had to die - twice - just to figure that out. Like the book says, He works His work in mysterious ways. Some people like it. Some people don't.
-Constantine

John Constantine: Angels and Demons can't cross over onto our plane. So, instead we get what I call half-breeds. The influence peddlers. They can only whisper in our ears. But a single word can give you courage, or turn your favorite pleasure into your worst nightmare. Those with the demon's touch like those part angel, living alongside us. They call it the balance. I call it hypocritical bs.
-Constantine

John Constantine: So when a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry butt straight back to hell. I don't get them all, but I've been hoping to get enough to ensure my... retirement.
Angela Dodson: I don't understand.
John Constantine: I'm a suicide, Angela. When I die, the rules say I've got just one place to go...
Angela Dodson: You're trying to buy your way into heaven.
John Constantine: What would *you* do if you were sentenced to a prison where half the inmates were put there by you?
-Constantine

Satan: Hello, John. John, hello. You're the one soul I would come up here to collect myself.
[claps giddily]
John Constantine: So I've heard.
-Constantine

John Constantine: They have the Spear of Destiny.
Satan: [mocking him] "They have the Spear of Destiny!"
[becomes serious, leans in]
Satan: Or is it another one of your cons?
John Constantine: Go look for yourself.
[Satan hesitates]
John Constantine: You've waited twenty years for me, Lu. What's another twenty seconds?
-Constantine

Satan: Sonny, I've got a whole theme park full of red delights for you.
John Constantine: Aren't you a peach?
-Constantine

John Constantine: You mind?
[reaches for cigarettes]
Satan: Oh, go - go right ahead; I've got stock.
John Constantine: [chuckles] Coffin nail.
Satan: Very fitting, John.
-Constantine

Angela Dodson: [Angela breathes in and goes under; after being held under for too long, she emerges from the bathtub] Oh, God. Oh, God, all those people. Oh, Isabel. I've always known. I've always known where they are. I've always known where to - where to find them, where to - where to aim and where to duck, and I've always known where they were. I've always known that it wasn't luck. Always known that it wasn't luck. I've always known, I've always known that I could see.
-Constantine

John Constantine: [speaking to God] I know I'm not one of your favorites. I'm not even welcome in your house. But, I could use a little attention.
-Constantine

John Constantine: That's called pain. Get used to it.
-constantine

Angela Dodson: She was a patient at Ravenscar. She... jumped off the roof.
John Constantine: Thought you said she was murdered?
Angela Dodson: Yeah, well, Isabel wouldn't have taken her own life.
John Constantine: Yeah, what kind of mental patient kills herself? That's just crazy.
-Constantine

Balthazar: What are you doing?
John Constantine: I'm reading you your last rites.
Balthazar: Spare me your remedial incantations.
John Constantine: You do know what it is to truly be forgiven? To be welcomed into the Kingdom of God. Demon in heaven.
[anoints Balthazar's brow with holy water]
John Constantine: I'd love to be a fly on that wall.
-Constantine

John Constantine: [about God] He always had a rotten sense of humor. And His punchlines are killers.
-Constantine

[preparing to use the electric chair]
Midnite: How many years since you've surfed?
John Constantine: Like riding a bike.
Midnite: No, not really.
-Constantine

John Constantine: Close your eyes.
Angela Dodson: Why?
John Constantine: Suit yourself.
[He ignites a fire, revealing a swarm of winged demons around them. They rear back from the fire, and burn up]
John Constantine: Demons stay in hell, huh? Tell them that.
-Constantine

Angela Dodson: John, there is no seventeenth act in Corinthians.
John Constantine: Corinthians goes to twenty one acts in the Bible in Hell.
Angela Dodson: They have bibles in Hell?
-Constantine

Gabriel: Your ego is astounding.
John Constantine: Gabriel. Figures. "And the wicked shall inherit the Earth".
Gabriel: You judging me now, John?
John Constantine: Betrayal, murder, genocide, call me provincial.
-Constantine